Lost..........

Lamentations! National mourning!

The greatest disaster to strike food aficionados!

Nobody saw it coming. That one last hope. That too is gone now.


A black day in the history of world cuisine.


Was back home for festivities. And I do not have to say that I am a foodie. If you are not blind enough to see that. Two reasons why I am: Kolhapuri food and my mom’s penchant for making even ordinary dishes taste exotic. My weight is a living (rather ever so slightly dying …….:P…….) testimony to this fact.


And then Pune. This place has all types of cuisines this world has to offer. Chinese, Mongolian, Italian, and whatever other –ians you can think of. You name them and you will find them. But none of them and let me be very clear about the NONE,……. none of them are very good at what they make. Go to any restaurant, the most you will hear as praise is “Man, it was worth the money!!!”. And that too is a bit too optimistic cause you do not want to make a complete fool of yourself in a seemingly elite company. Blithering sods! Even the local food is good, for diabetics that is. Haven’t these people heard of spices? Even the Egyptian pharaohs ate Indian spices! Probably the only reason that they did not have that bandage tied to their mouth. To devour more food. With that exotic Indian touch. Even after death.


But let’s not climb on ancient geeks and ghosts. What I meant to point out was that the sense of taste in Pune’s dishes harks back to the Jurassic ages. Cause it just identifies the basic ingredients. Looks like this place is not turning out to be so good for a gobbler (a quality one at that) like me. And trust me it isn’t. Even though I am trying to lose weight, I will not change my opinion.


The disaster then. You know, it’s a sin (at least for me) to order something like veg. Kolhapuri in Pune. Cause its utter horse-shit. Horrendous. Committed this sin once at a hotel called Nirmal on Satara Road. And the only ingredients I could make out were red chilli powder (truck loads of it………. to make it “tikhat”…….bollocks!) and some cauliflower crumbs. Streams, rivers, tidal currents of curses followed. Last time I checked, the hotel had closed down. So I do have a kaali-jubaan. As far as food matters go.


So I was back home. Having a good time. Relaxed. School chums, 5 of us, decided to meet. For lunch. Lips smacking. Mouth watering. Ummmm………….. reached the hotel right on time. And since we are in Kolhapur , order some…yeah you guessed it……….. veg. kolhapuri. Rest of the dishes are inconsequential.


What that asshole brought in the Holy name of Kolhapuri was…………how do I say it……….shit…………just different from the type you get in Pune. Pig shit maybe. Yeah. Cause if nothing else, the stuff that I ate in Pune, at least was spicy . Very spicy. Thanks to the chilli powder. It had tears streaking down my cheeks and that at least put some smiles on my face. This , the one that I ordered back home was………. sweet!


Yeah! you read that right! SWEET! Mother of fucking God!


I do not want to relate any more of this incidence apart from the fact that we abused the hotel owner so much that his entire family lineage must be having at 1,525 diseases, all raped, tortured and had their limbs mutilated. End of round 1.


Went out for a stroll in the evening. That has to culminate into me having a snack. Has to. There is no other way to end an evening walk. And since I was in Kolhapur (I had to keep reminding myself I was after what had happened in the afternoon) what better than wada pav. Mind you, the wada pav you get in Pune is just some mashed potatoes stuffed inside a shell of besan. That’s not the case back home. All I would have said was “taste it to discover it.” But I will not say that anymore. Can not. How can that wada pav be so horrific? Taste-less! No ginger, no chilli, no coriander………..nothing!!!!! “Tikhat lagla ka?”, the stall owner seemed to ask me cause I was suddenly silent and staring at the stuff he had served. Tikhat?!?!?!?! I was so angry that along with a real serving of Kolhapuri profanities, I felt like stuffing that wada up his nostrils! Aggravations galore! Getting hit in your balls with a demolition crane is less painful I think, than calling that wada pav tikhat. No, I am sure it is.


How ? why? Where did it all go wrong?

I think there should be a Parliamentary committee to investigate this. I think all restaurateurs who commit such crimes must have their balls cut off and then hung and then shot. Heinous is a very small word for such a crime. But it has been done. Real good food is no more. And it will have entire generations weeping, lamenting. What is wrong with this world? Why take everything that’s good about it and throw it down the gutter?

Your guess is as good as mine. For now, 2 minutes of silence. Please.


P.S. : Last piece of news on this i heard is the same is that the great Chorage Misal is no more. Holy Lord of Good food!! What tragedy has befallen us!