"A Heavy-Metal Xmas Story "
Once long ago in the Valley of the Dark Abyss, three wise men, Ozzy, Ronnie James Dio (R.I.P.), and Robert Plant looked to the sky and saw a dark pentagram glowing many miles away. They knew at once the King was born.
They packed their belongings: weed, bongs, beer, and porn mags, and climbed atop their dragons to make the journey to the new King. Once they reached the destination of the new King, the parents of the newly born child introduced him as Randy Rhoads.
The three wise men spoke of the great things the child would do for the metal world and showered him with gifts. They brought Black Sabbath’s Paranoid, Led Zeppelin’s Houses of the Holy, and Dio’s Heaven and Hell with Sabbath. They said one day the child would make a great sacrifice for all of the metalheads of the world. The three wise men looked on with great pride as young Randy grew to be the most fiercest guitar player in the world, one of them even taking human form to work with him, but that’s another story.
The metal world was grateful for the metal injection it was receiving.
One day while on tour, a cloud opened up revealing John Bonham. He spoke to Randy saying, “It is time, Randy, to lay down your life for the future of metal.” Bonham spoke of the tragedies that were to come; Seattle grunge, emo, and Kings of Leon fans.
Randy accepted his fate to push the metal world from the abyss, sending bits and pieces of his soul to make metal last into the fingers of Kerry King, Dimebag Darrell (R.I.P.), Dave Mustaine, Kirk Hammett, Jeff Hanneman, Marty Friedman, and countless others, making it possible for us to smoke weed, drink beer, eat pussy, and most importantly, BANG YOUR FUCKING HEAD. You can’t kill rock-n-roll!
Merry X-mas to all metalheads!