“……….Ab na jaa………….”
Palash Sen’s sorrow tinged voice almost slices through my heart. With a serrated edge. I guess I now realize why some people write and sing what they do. Cause today I want to sing that very melody. And weep.
She left yesterday. Not without notice though. We knew this was coming. A month prior to the actual thing. “To come to terms” with it. To ease it out for all. To smoothen the passage. To blunt the serrated edge.
With her, it was never an awful lot of words, that brought me closer to her. It was more often than not action. Being Hitlerian honest, sticking to your principles and being clever enough to convince people into seeing what you want them to see. Ways and means to achieve the ends does not matter. Action was of the ultimate consequence. I had become a part of that. And then she left.
In the yesteryears, I was never able to fathom, why the “thinking” light on her head blinked so often and that too with dangerous, eye and brain damaging intensity. Cause I never really understood the consequence. Though I could see it ( the consequence that is...........) with my own eyes. Until the precipitate of that consequence actually affected me. And now that I can lucidly understand why she trains her mind so hard to tear one thing apart, she is gone.
It’s easy being big and mature and elderly. Probably much more difficult to keep the kid inside you, safe at the same time. It’s easy to talk high brows and keep handing out bucket loads of advice to others. But hardly an easy breathing experience when life dishes out some of the same to you. It’s easy to start running around, searching for a helping hand. Some shoulder to cry on. I saw that kid in her. I heard words that comforted me. I found her hand and wanted to weep on her shoulder. but she has vanished.
It’s easy making friends, riding around on bikes, calling each other when you know everything is good. Easy to feel nice when there are no mistakes happening. But I think it takes some substance to confess before others, to put wrong things right, especially when the wrong is done by your own self and the one’s closest to you. She did that. She taught me , us, how to do that. And now she has left.
I can keep up with this terrible rant all day long. I could keep adding paragraphs and consequently bytes of data to this, crux of the matter not moving. Knowing a person and discovering one is entirely different and can be an amazing journey. Having a person and losing him/her is felt only if you have actually lost someone. Mere words do not make up for that. Saying “don’t worry, I will be there for you.” And actually being there demands a lot. And I know she is still there. Even though I can not see her. And my solitude shall now end with an honest, clean and simple "thank you".